Forgive to Thrive: How Letting Go Frees You Up
While serving as a Lutheran pastor for 36 years I learned two things about forgiveness.
Almost everyone has someone that they struggle to forgive.
Almost everyone carries misconceptions about forgiveness, and those misconceptions are often the reason that people struggle to forgive.
Here's what I believe to be true about forgiveness:
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. You and I don’t have the power to forget. We will probably always carry the scars of being wounded in relationships. But just because we remember doesn’t mean we haven’t forgiven.
Forgiveness is not a religious thing; it's a human thing. We all struggle with broken relationships and the wounds and scars they often leave.
Forgiving is not pretending that nothing happened. It doesn’t mean we bury our heads in the sand. Relational brokenness demands our attention.
Forgiving does not mean you have to like the offender. It doesn’t mean you feel warm and fuzzy toward the person who hurt you.
Forgiving does not mean the instant restoration of trust. Trust has to be earned, and when you’ve been burned badly the relationship almost always has to start over again in terms of earning trust. And sometimes the healthiest choice is to NOT be in relationship with that person again.
Forgiving is a process. It’s almost never a once-and-for-all thing. There are people you may need to forgive every day in order to keep your heart free and clean.
Forgiving means letting go. It is the process of consciously choosing to release negative emotions toward someone who hurt you, replacing them with compassion and a focus on healing and growth.
Forgiving is not a matter of justice. Our forgiveness of someone is not dependent upon their worthiness to be forgiven. It doesn't even matter if they acknowledge what they've done or express remorse. Why? Because…
Forgiving is mostly a gift we give ourselves. We are the ones who benefit most by practicing forgiveness because it sets us free from the soul cancer known as bitterness.
Holding a grudge is a dangerous business. Someone once described it as swallowing poison and hoping your enemy dies. Holding a grudge can prevent you from fully engaging in the present moment and enjoying life to the fullest. It can lead to feelings of depression, anxiety, and irritability, which can have a negative impact on your relationships and overall well-being. And it can conflict with your spiritual beliefs and values, which can create inner turmoil and stress.
So, how do we go about the business of forgiving someone who has wounded us?
Jesus of Nazareth once told his followers, "Pray for your enemies". By that, I don't think he meant, "Pray that your enemy falls into a ditch and breaks a femur." Based on his other teachings I think Jesus had in mind that his followers should pray for their enemies' good. And apparently he was on to something.
A non-religious version of Jesus' command is the practice of "loving-kindness meditation" which is scientifically proven to:
Reduce stress and anxiety, and increase feelings of calm and relaxation.
Increase empathy and compassion, and improve social connections.
Reduce feelings of depression and increase feelings of happiness and well-being.
Increase ability to regulate emotions and control negative thoughts.
Improve immune system function and decrease inflammation in the body.
Create positive changes in brain activity, including increased activity in the prefrontal cortex (associated with positive emotions and decision-making) and reduced activity in the amygdala (associated with fear and anxiety).
Sounds like the antidote to holding a grudge, doesn't it? Because it is.
So, how do we practice loving-kindness meditation? Follow these simple steps:
Sit comfortably in a place where you aren't likely to be disturbed. Gently close your eyes if you feel comfortable doing so.
Begin with a few deep breaths. Check in with where you’re starting this moment from - physically, emotionally, mentally.
Now envision in your mind's eye someone you care about. Picture them as clearly as you can. Now, with intention say to that person, "May you be happy. May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you live with ease."
Repeat that process with the following people in mind:
Yourself
A mentor or friend
Someone you might overlook (eg, a sales clerk or the mail carrier)
Someone you struggle to like or forgive
All people everywhere
Now breathing in and breathing out, as you end this practice gently do another mindful check-in. Get a sense of how you’re feeling now, without any judgments. What emotions are present?
And when you’re ready, gently open your eyes.
Loving-kindness meditation is a powerful way to cultivate forgiveness by nurturing joy, understanding, and compassion instead of embracing anger, resentment, or hate. Practice it regularly and over time you'll find your heart softening and your grudge-grip loosening, setting you free to live more fully.
Feeling stuck? Coaching can help. Contact me at www.mariancoaching.com
