Boundaries

What do you want this holiday season?
What do you need this holiday season?

Peace.
Love.
Joy.
Hope.
Gratitude.

These are the answers I often hear from people. But when they talk about the reality of their holidays I hear:

Over-scheduled.
Over-spent.
Over-fed.
Over-committed.
Just over it!

The pathway to holiday sanity is bordered by boundaries. Boundaries are imaginary lines that we draw to protect ourselves. A boundary says, “Here is what I am willing to spend, give, commit, consume or endure, and no more.” Without boundaries we risk losing ourselves.

For many of us healthy boundaries are difficult to discern, and even more difficult to honor. They may feel selfish or push our conflict avoidance buttons. But we cannot truly love and honor others if we don’t first truly love and honor ourselves.

Not sure where to begin? Consider these three steps, adapted from Melissa Urban’s book, The Book of Boundaries:

Step No. 1: Identify the need for a boundary. Think about people, conversation topics, or times of day that provoke a sense of anxiety, dread, resentment, or avoidance. That’s a sure red flag that a boundary is needed.

Step No. 2: Set the boundary using clear, kind words. Practice as often as needed until it feels natural and confident. It might sound something like, “Please call before you come over,” or “No thanks, I’m not drinking right now,” or “Please don’t comment on what’s on my plate.”

Step No. 3: Hold the boundary. A boundary can’t tell other people what to do—you have to be prepared to hold it if someone else proves unable or unwilling to respect it. This may look like not answering the door if it’s not a good time, moving onto another conversation partner, or excusing yourself from the table.

Need more help? Coaching is a great protocol for exploring, developing and learning to honor yourself and your boundaries. Schedule an appointment today. You’re worth it!